i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
