He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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