Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
