I am spending my child support on dildos
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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