Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
