Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
