I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
