HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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