Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
