i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
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