We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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