I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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