You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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