1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
