I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Randomize
