why im i the only drunk person in the library?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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