OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
