i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
3pm strippers are depressing
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Randomize