Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
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