I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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