my phone needs a breathalizer
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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