Just fell off a train. Bad.
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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