Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
