Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
