you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
