what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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