Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
