i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I think people are normalizing furries
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
