All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
