How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
love makes seman taste better
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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