i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
