a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
