I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
It's shark week go big or go home
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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