Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
