Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
