I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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