I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
