just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
