I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
