I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
