i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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