I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
