i jhust puked up my retainher.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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