i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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