I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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