Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
