apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
But break dance skills will only take you so far
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize