I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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