Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
