Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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