My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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