I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Randomize
