I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Randomize
