he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
