Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I need to align my fucking chakras
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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