shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
