Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
