How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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