Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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