Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Randomize
