I just saw a hot homeless man
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
