Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
