The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
