her vagine was all disorganized.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
