he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
