I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Randomize
